i wonder if i could

i wonder if i could remember the thoughts i've thought today
as i drove up san pablo with my wavering brain and fever queries

i told myself many things, like:

you do, you do assume,
you do assume to know things
about the people that you love,
you sweep them from the dusty ground
and appraise the grime

and,

you do, you do always get what you want,
and in fact you always have,
generally at unexpected times and never
just the way you want it,
yet you get it, this is a strange
thread

i also thought:

maybe the fever is not a fever, and just
dissociation in my head
maybe i am not sick
(it is hard to tell between the daily klonopin
and pyridium what is really going on)
maybe i just have a back ache from the way
that i'm sitting--
maybe the infection's not reaching my kidneys,
maybe i can make it to monday, call dr levinsky,
cant afford the e.r. again


maybe i'll fall asleep in L's arms watching Dr. Zhivago
maybe he'll turn to me with the sweetness that he keeps in reserve
maybe we will listen to our album and i won't need to cry
maybe we'll just laugh a little and touch foreheads
and go to sleep tonight


maybe i'll fall asleep alone tonight-- maybe sometime soon,
maybe i'll wake up and feel rested, maybe light
maybe i'll fall asleep alone tonight


maybe i'm falling asleep right now



baby, i've been dreaming--


i've been dreaming for a week 


i dream when your body is pressed behind mine
i dream when i have my bed to myself
i dream in your bed with the cat at our feet
i dream of you




i wonder when i'll start dreaming of my future




my future


the girl's going places


he says


pressing his thumbs into the knots in my shoulders
until i cry out in pain, try not to cry
the girl's going places


it is hard to imagine when all i can remember
is going going
down on you, going beneath the covers,
going to your house at three in the morning
and knocking on your window,
going pee in that tiny closet of a bathroom,
going crazy,
going to your house and
your house and your house

and oolong and jars of water
and my hands in the hair of your chest
and facing you
and facing the wall
and facing the screen
the shot of the balalaika
so beautiful


baby, i've been dreaming--