born again free

today i thought of pain again
i thought of it all day and
i felt it all day
and i recognized it
and i knew it very well

and i recognize it now, it's the twist in my center, it's the lightheaded panic

panic because i am realizing
all over again as if never before
since the day before
that it's all disappeared
i've known so many boys; but i've only ever known one you

sometimes the guilt
overwhelms me like a huge and freezing wave
but if i let myself fall under it
all the way into it
i would surely never reemerge

memories permeate everything
everything's sodden and sticky with memories
we seem to have touched every fucking street in the city with memories of us together
and that is something that i can do
nothing about

so i'm leaving and thank god
it is so
i want to be born again free
in a different city with
a different life

free from the dregs of our love
i know you would think that an absurd thing to say
but i have to go away because
i really cannot stay
and don't desire to

i want to be born again free
because with this i really wove my own net
i really set my own trap
it's an embarrassing fact
one of many many embarrassing facts

born again free!
beneath a hot spring sun, free!
in the cold ocean at Tajiguas beach, free!
in my own bed at night, free!
in my own mind at last, free

from a calamity of my own design, free

to have a new start, free

free at last