it hurts me

I can watch a moth, I can watch the cat, watching the moth
I can find the steps where no one is sitting and sit on them
I can chain smoke cigarettes and spit and no one will see me
I can try to listen to the rain as it falls on the leaves
I can try to listen to the rain as it falls faster and
faster as if it is going somewhere

I don't feel strong and I do feel ashamed
I don't feel strong and I do feel
I do feel as if I am

not growing I do feel as if I am not learning
I do feel as if I am perpetuating the things which I do
which I wish I did not do and
do not want to do

I do feel alone and I do want to be alone and
more than anything I want to be content with my own self
by myself

I'm supposed to be married to myself and I do feel as if
I am still looking for a lover to make happy, someone
that I could make happy, I do feel as if I am looking
for someone to make me happy

If this incessant spattering of disappointments is growth
it hurts and I do feel hurt and I do hurt, it hurts me,
it hurts so familiar, so dull and gray and dumb,
i don't know where i was and i don't know where i have come to,

we the smart ones we are stupid
we've been told for so long that we are smart
i wish we had been told that we were loved

i wish we had been told that we were loved
so much, i wish that.