Wednesday, March 21, 2012

fuck

I wonder what we are trying to be. I think, maybe it is our age. Maybe at our age we are all trying to be something. I don't know what I'm trying to be. I am not trying to get out of bed. I am not trying to leave the house. I am not trying to shower or eat. I am on my health insurance's website. I am trying to get a new shrink, in the new town, the town I'm moving to. I'm trying to do that.

I can tell I am dirty because when I raise my hand to feel the my short short hair my neck feels waxy. This is also a symptom of turning to wax. This is something that I am doing. I am doing this.

I have been wearing these long underwear for five days now. I pull them down when I put a tampon in, but I never take them off. Sleep in them live in them. Whatever. God damn it fuck I'm not okay.

If I were fine I would not be listening to this song called "We Are Fine" over and over. I'm not fine, you're certainly not fucking fine, hence, we are not fine. We are not fine. I just need to put on a new album. I just need to drive out to the marina. I just need to stop loving you. I just need to take a klonopin. I just need to eat breakfast. I just need to get out in the sun. Oh wait it's raining. I just need to get out in the rain. I just need to do the laundry. I just need to buck up. Is that what I always say? Buck up? I just need to buck up. I really just need to leave my room. Really really badly I need to leave my room. I just need to stop loving you. I just need to stop, that.

"Am I Blue?" "On With the Show!"

It is true though-- last night was the first in a long, long time when I didn't have a nightmare. (Thanks, God. Thanks very, very much, truly.)

The fact that I cannot make you happy is mother fucking baffling to me.

The fact that I don't care about making myself happy is a mother fucking problem.

This is a circumstantial depression. I know these sorts of states. "Circumstantial depression": heartbreak, et cetera. No, mostly heartbreak. "Other": hormonal imbalance, post-traumatic episode. This is a "Circumstantial depression".

Why is there no fucking song that sounds appropriate for this moment?

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